Spider in the Shower

Spiders do not scare me. I am a hiker, teacher, caretaker of children; one who has no time to be afraid of spiders. I  mean, if it’s gigantic, I WILL be creeped out, but typically spiders and I are cool. I was in the shower the other morning. Lifting up my shampoo, I noticed a little, 8 legged guy. I smile and wonder how he got in here, knowing I check for insect holes in my house all the time. He starts to walk toward the water. Oh, no. What are you thinking little spider?! He proceeds to walk right on down into the tub and the pools of water. I’ll save you! I scoop him up using the cap to my shampoo bottle and think yay! I did it. Now you can live. I am relieved and believe I can return to cleansing, but then he starts walking toward the water again. Really? You’re really just going to walk right back into the water when I just heroically saved your life? What the heck dude. He gets wet and turns into a soggy ball. I, once again, scoop him up with the cap and placed him in dry safety, wondering if he is dead. I know he’s made some mistakes, survival of the fittest, all that jazz, but I really want to give this guy a shot. After a few minutes he moves a little bit. I go to work, forget about the spider. Later, after a long, hot, sweaty day at work, I return to the shower for an afternoon rinse (2 showers, I know! I’m a horrible hippie environmentalist). He is still there, dead. I wonder what the spider would have done if he hadn’t drowned. Also, how many spiders drown each year. They did a study on how many spiders people eat while the sleep, can’t someone do a study on this. I’d like to know. In memory of shower spiders everywhere.

How to Not be an Annoying, Fucking Intern

I am a teacher at a private school. Our model is much different than public school so we hire certified teachers as interns so that they can learn our model and the administration can see if they would be successful as a teacher at our school before they have the responsibility of having their own classroom. We started this program last year and I have had a few interns in my classroom. One of them I loved and is now a great teacher at our school. One was a crazy person who said they would give a student a tracheotomy with a pencil. For obvious reasons, she no longer works at our school. We currently have an intern and she is really fucking annoying. I have come up with the below list to help interns of any kind make sure their internship is successful and to help them prevent becoming an annoying, fucking intern.

1. You are an intern. Interns are generally hired to learn because they do not yet have the skill set to get a real job. Because you are an intern and are not yet a real employee, you should do as The Rock says;       

No one yet cares about your opinions. Do not argue with the person training you. They know more than you do and even if they don’t, they probably have the power to determine your fate at the company so shut up you stupid asshole.

2. Understand personal boundaries and prove you have manners. It would be wise to ask permission before just taking things off of other people’s desk. Manners were invited quite a while ago, probably like 100 years ago or something, but in case you missed the lecture on not touching other people’s shit, here is a public service announcement to help illustrate the point.

http://www.collegehumor.com/video/6415066/dont-touch-my-shit-with-leighton-meester

3. Try not to be so horribly awkward with your body movements. If you move like a weird dinosaur with joint problems and fling your head, neck, and limbs around like you don’t have bones, people will not want to work with you. In you are unsure of how to properly move your body, you should enroll in a Victorian etiquette class and practice walking with a book on your head or maybe watch some more Honey Boo Boo because those pageant girls sure are graceful. 

4. Know what career you have entered and discuss your life accordingly. For example, if you have decided to become a teacher, a job where your duties involve the safety and growth of children, it is unwise to share stories about how you leave your own child in the car for hours while grocery shopping and use Benadryl quite frequently to sedate your child who won’t stop wanting to play with you. Oh, it’s also not as hilarious as you think it is that your child has gotten kicked out of 5 preschools. Understand the skills required for your chosen career and try not to discuss how horrible you are at demonstrating those skills.

5. Take an IQ test and understand how smart you are. After the test, you will know if you are an idiot or not. If you are an idiot, it’s ok, idiots can be successful too. You just need to work really hard, understanding that most people are smarter than you, and trust those much smarter people to guide you. If you are not an idiot, congratulations!! You will probably go far in your chosen career path and will be chosen to help guide many stupid idiots. Way to go you!

 

Those are the top five things you should do if you do not want to be a annoying, fucking intern.