This blog has been about what life has been like for me between college and motherhood. I’ve discovered a lot about myself during this time. I learned I love cooking, especially when I don’t have to cook (it’s the rebel in me). I’ve learned I LOVE real food. I’ve learned I love kayaking, painting my nails, and exploring the world with my husband. This blog saw us through two job changes, 2 college graduations, and financial stresses. Recently my husband and I both got promotions. We have grown and learned a lot and I can confidently say we are ready for a baby.
I started taking pre-natals, got all the before-baby checkups scheduled, even started tracking my basal temperature (Google it if you’re curious). We were going to start trying next month, but then I got an email from HR. You see, we’ll need short term disability to help cover my maternity leave. I submitted my paperwork a few weeks ago and hadn’t thought much of it. The email I received today stated that I missed open enrollment and will have to wait until Fall to enroll. Fall! When the heck is Fall?! Well I asked and it’s September, which is only a few months away, but when you are 2 weeks away and the date gets pushed back 5 monhts it sucks. I feel like I’ve already waited for years. Waited to graduate. Waited to get a better job. Waited for my husband to finish school. Wait, wait, wait. I’ve of course accepted the waiting, 5 more months is not that long, especially with summer coming up. I’ve even somehow in my brain been able to come up with the standard “everything happens for a reason” nonsense, the “one last summer of fun” business, the “starting the school year not pregnant would be best” bologna, but it still is super disappointing. The main reason it’s so disappointing is because of my fear of fertility problems. I have no proof that we’ll have problems getting and keeping a baby, but I do know a lot of women who have had issues. When you are 27 you know the stories. While some of my friends could easily get pregnant, others needed some medication to help, and still 2 learned they’d never be able to have a baby. One adopted, something I’m not sure would be right for my family, and 1 is weighing her options. When you see the sadness in women who are so excited to finally have a baby get told it’s not that easy, it roots deep into your heart and grows into your fear. I think the sooner we can start trying, the sooner I can know if we’ll need medical help and the sooner the problem will be fixed. My husband doesn’t understand. He thinks the fear could prevent pregnancy and cause problems all on it’s own. He’s probably right. This 5 months will be agonizing. Patience is not a virtue of mine and seeing everyone’s beautiful little babies on my Facebook feed doesn’t help. I also realize my pain is trivial to those who are actually struggling with fertility issues and hope I can learn something about perspective and love during this time. I will try to find peace with my fear in the next few months. Prime my body even more to be baby ready. Enjoy one last summer of freedom with my husband. Wish me luck. . . and patience