2013 was full of a lot of emotional shit. Nothing too bad really happened, I find myself screaming, “First World Problems!” at even the slightest hint that my life is “hard”, but I am ending this year with a depressing weight and burden on my mind. Many things are left unfinished and the future is unpredictable at this point. I’ve lost my happiness and am unsure of how to get it back.
Financially my husband and I struggled. He is still in college and so isn’t working full time, we are working on paying down debt, and all of this means not very much money left. Growing up poor left me with some weird emotional issues connected to money. Money equals security, safety and when I don’t have any, I feel very scared. The world could get me at any moment. Everything could come crumbling down at the slightest change in financial circumstances. We always have basic necessities, and for that I am trying to show more gratitude. I know our financial situation, or really anyone’s financial situation, is only temporary. My husband is done with school in 3 months and at that time, things will be on the up and up, but I must wait and try to learn what I can from this time.
My job is giving me anything but happiness. I use to love it there, feel at home, feel inspired, gather worth. But all good things come to an end and I now feel undervalued, overworked, and that my time there is over. Just go get a new job, right? The issue is that I am a teacher. Jobs are year-long commitments and new jobs are only posted in the spring/summer time. This gives me time to work on applications which take about 3 hours each with all the endless uploads and paper hunting an application for a school district requires, but again I must wait and learn what I can from this time.
My greatest wish in the world is to have a family. Given our financial, college, and job status at this moment, we are not yet trying. It sucks seeing so many of my friends celebrating Christmas with their little ones, or announcing baby #2, while I sit here with an empty womb. I know we will get to have a baby soon, but I must wait and learn what I can from this time.
I am trying to find the blessing in this time and lesson. Learn through the trouble. I had a struggle of a childhood and early adult years and so I, soooo naively, though, “Hey, the shit must be all behind me, yay!” But it appears I have more work to do.I have a hard time waiting. I have a hard time enjoying the moment and seeing it for what it is. I’ve always lived in the future or the past, most notably thinking too much on past trauma or being too afraid that the future will being undesirable things.
This is my lesson to be learned. Struggle is constant and is really an opportunity for growth. Waiting is okay, there can be joy in the wait. Live in the present, the present of my life. Here’s to hoping 2014 can bring me peace with these things.
Blogging, and reading other blogs, I think will help me process all of this and again find happiness. Now when I feel the urge to Facebook, I will instead try to write or read about real experiences people are having. I hope to find some answers, peace, and happiness in words.