Alcoholic Father

Having an alcohoic father is a weird, weird journey. Over time, as I have gotten older, my feelings have changed dramatically. When I was young, I adored my father. My mom leaving and my step-mom passing away made me feel alone and all I had was my dad. He was my  hero. As a teen, I was angry at my dad. I felt betrayed when I learned that he wasn’t perfect. That he was simply a human, just like me. I saw all of his faults, judged them, and was frustrated that real, adult life was kind of shitty. I became frustrated at his constant let-downs. This caused me to leave his house and move in with my mom. During this time period we were not in contact. I know that I will never know the real details of what happened to him during this time, we were not in contact and my dad is not an open kinda guy. I imagined he struggled greatly, became full-fledged alcoholic, raging. When I left, I’m sure this pushed him over. I had to leave, I am still positive that I made the right decision, but I am also positive this caused him great pain. We healed apart and slowly rebuilt. As I got older, as I started to understand and forgive, I began to appreciate what he must have gone through. I appreciated what his journey was as a person, how hard it must have been, how much worse it could have been. Although he drank, he still never left me. I was safe, consistently had all of my basic needs met, and most importantly, I always knew my dad loved me. I know my dad always did the best he could for me. I know many with alcoholic or drug-addicted parents who did not always know this. He worked hard to make me feel smart and beautiful and encouraged me to succeed. I know he got a lot of help from my grandparents, and I also love them dearly, but he still did it. I still get frustrated as an adult when I text him past 6:00 and he calls me back because he misunderstood my text, clearly intoxicated, but I still deeply love him and I simply hope he knows that. I hope he, when he’s alone, knows that his daughter loves him, appreciates him, admires him, and is glad he’s her father.

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